My love life was a mess. I was in a toxic relationship with few guys. My experience with them left a few hurtful memories that sometimes triggered me in ways I didn’t expect. They made me think I’m not good enough for anyone and never will be. Those memories made think think I was like, cursed or something. While I was busy punishing myself, I found these realizations…
1. I Didn’t Love Myself Enough Because I Was Too Busy Punishing Myself by Staying in That Toxic Relationship
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I was told by my friends and family I’m a great person, I’m smart, I’m nurturing, and I didn’t believe that at all. It’s because I didn’t treat myself as one. I spent most of my time crying instead of enjoying life. I held many grudges instead of loving myself. I lost my passion that used to keep me alive.
Then I learned that just because some people hates few parts of myself, doesn’t mean I have to hate myself as well. I’m grateful I was surrounded by people who reminded me that I am loved and deserved to be cherished. They taught me to find comfort in who I am.
2. I Didn’t Accept Who I Really Am—My Quirkiness, My Absurdity, and My Whole Personality—Because I Was Trying So Hard to Please Someone Else
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Today, when people told me I’m too weird, too quirky for their taste, and too snarky, I was just smiling at them and leave them be. But to be able to do that, there was a lot of process.
Back then, I allowed other people define me. I tried so hard to please my ex to the point I almost erased my identity. The more he hated me, the more I hated myself. And it was miserable. Now, I just don’t give a damn anymore. There are people who can inspire me to upgrade myself without forcing me to change. Here I am upgrading myself to be the best of myself, if people can’t accept that, they’re just not meant to stay in my life any longer.
3. I Was Too Needy, I Expected Other People to Take Care of Me Instead of Doing It Myself
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I suffered dependent anxiety and depression for almost a year. Instead of helping myself, I chose to stay with my toxic ex, which made it worse. I let him controlled my happiness, my well-being, everything. At the same time, I had to cater his needs and his ego. There was no time for me to let myself free for even a second. That was before I realize there’s no one better to take care of me other than myself. I cut him off and everything else that was toxic for me. Which is why I was single for two years before I found my new partner. I will never have a healthy relationship if I’m still messed up inside. And it’s impossible to have a meaningful and empowering relationship if I couldn’t empower myself.
4. When I Thought I Wanted a Perfect Love, I Realized I Didn’t Know What I Really Want
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Any girl like me can dream to have a perfect man to be the love of their life. Back then, I jumped to many relationships because I was too lonely. I didn’t have exact standard of what kind of love I really want. I didn’t have boundaries, so I easily let people hurt me.
My significant other will be flawed, that means I need to figure out what kind of flaws I can accept and what’s the best way to handle them. I figured, I need to know what I want and don’t want. And that means, I need to understand what’s the best and the worst of myself before I fully embrace them.
5. I Need to Understand How Much Capacity I Can Take
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Everyone always know what they want, but most of them don’t know their own capacity. When you want something so bad, and if that thing seems always slipping out of your hands every time you try to get it, that means you’re not capable enough to handle it. And I learned that in a hard way.
I was too busy obsessing things I don’t have, I missed out every beautiful thing I’m capable to handle. When you know your capacity, you will be able to realize how much things you can take. Those things you can’t? You can let them go easier than you expected.
It took many hardships to know I’m ready to love myself, becoming the best version of myself, and refuse to settle. That means I’m capable to love everyone, appreciate their beauty, and don’t hesitate to cut them off if they try to hurt me or cross my boundaries.
You see, you don’t need to punish yourself for love and happiness. All you got to do is just give love as much as you can to yourself before you give them to others. You need to keep moving on in order to find what you really want along the way. You don’t have to dwell on the past anymore and start to forgive yourself. Trust me, nobody really needs that more than you do.
